My official diagnosis, it would seem, was more words that anyone cared to remember or recite. An embittered pessimist with fears of abandonment. Stemming from abandonment by my bilogical father? Who knows really? My friends and I shortened it to "Bitter Bitch", laughed about it, and I never gave it a second thought. All the hours and dollars spent at the psychologist and psychiatrist never helped anyway.
Within a year of that diagnosis, I was the one leaving. So much for fearing abandonment. I left. I chose to "go it alone."
Fast forward about 7 years, and I am the one to leave again. The reasons don't matter. The reality does. Do I leave to avoid being abandoned?
So now, back at it again. One last second chance to make this work and I suddenly see it. I truly don't want to be alone. But it seems I am doing my best to end up that way.
When there is any sort of confrontation, my walls instantly go up. I shut down and basically say "You want to leave, go ahead, I got this. I can take care of myself." The last thing I want is for him to actually go, but the first thing I do is push him away.
So why is it that I seem to strive for the very thing I am supposed to be afraid of?
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